Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
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[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out