Never go to sleep after making me angry
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.