Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You Might Also Like
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
More like Kate Missington.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Don’t snitch tag.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.