I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.