I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Y’all ready for this