i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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One cake enters. No cake leaves.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Google reviews are always so mixed..