The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Muppet Screams
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.