[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”