my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
good work, everybody
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.