[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.