The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I feel this so hard
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork