*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
rise and shine we got egg
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route