My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
One of the best
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma