Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.