SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Just got to our Airbnb!
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.