I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
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Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Omg like wtf
-me, praying