I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
😂😂
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Some people were born into their job.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam