True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Personal question. #JustSaying
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer