i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.