me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Thank you corporation very cool
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know