When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
You deplete me
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure