ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Happy Friday
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye