Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
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“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.