“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
starting a garage orchestra
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me