doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You Might Also Like
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
No, he would not have.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.