I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it