Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
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Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now