That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!