I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Everyone’s family
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.