A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
what’s the point then??
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.