I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
me: my friends:
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats