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Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.