muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?