Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.