Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.