[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
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You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though