I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Oh my god
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.