It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
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I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Ok who’s got my black socks?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Mad Max Arctic Road
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario