Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
You Might Also Like
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.