Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
you gotta be faster
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.