Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.