“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Dune (2021)
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
podcasts
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”