Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Harsh but fair
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.