I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Today’s Times
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP