[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
LOL