Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
It was worth a shot 😂
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting