I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy