Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.