Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”