Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
You Might Also Like
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’ve been drinking.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows